Mead Bucks Congress
APR - Washington D.C.
Defying Congress for the third time this year, President Mead unilaterally paid the United States' late dues to the United Nations. "Like good tenants, we must pay our rent on time," he told reporters.
Leaders of both parties criticized the move. "Where does he get the cash?" asked Senator Ridon (D-Illinois). "Clearly from some budget item yet to be approved by this Congress."
The Republicans were no kinder. "This council member has been betrayed, and so has America," said Senator Osno Liverpoole (R-California). "The Congress came together to approve a UNATCO presence on U.S. soil, but we did not write a blank check. No, sir. A superpower does not pay rent."
Bootcamp for Betty
APR - Portland
Madison High School junior Betty Souza will spend the semester at the Canyon City Bootcamp, say school officials. The crime? "We have verified that she told another student that she knows how to make a bomb," said Principal Martin Gordly.
What makes this case notable is that the parents have filed a lawsuit against the school district. "Our daughter wears black," said father Brandon Souza in a prepared statement. "She has an occipital jack and we let her use it to play games. We allowed her to get a tattoo when she turned 16, but none of this makes her a criminal."
The parents claim that Betty was discussing a novel by Tom Robbins taught at Madison High when the mention of explosives occurred.
Betty Souza will not be alone in Canyon City. Last year 15,234 young people served sentences in the state's FBI-run "good behavior" camps, a legacy of the Northwest War.
A Lesson for Our President
Family News Network -- Dave Wary Editorial
When the other kids on my block elected me King of the World, a political office open (thankfully) only to eight-year-olds, I moved quickly to consolidate my power. I declared that all subsequent elections were forbidden, that the office of King was reserved to me and my descendants for all eternity.
I don't remember what morsels of political philosophy were hurled at me. "That ain't fair!" perhaps, or "You can't do that!"
My rebuttal? "Yes I can. I'm King."
All subsequent debate involved rocks. Even Gretchen, green-eyed lovely Gretchen, held me pinned to the ground as the others asserted their own right to the throne with whatever stones happened to be within easy reach.
With a 35 percent approval rating after the U.N. funding fiasco, President Mead should reflect that these children -- and millions of other free thinkers -- have reached voting age.
Who wants to cast the first stone?
Mead from Mars!
CAPE CANAVERAL -- NASA scientists confirmed that the eroded remains of the Alba Patera crater on Mars precisely match the face of President Mead. "It's him!" declared Senior Planetary Specialist Kevlar Umla. "There's his nose, that ridge, see? See the crater rim marking his hairline? The way he combs his hair appearing in this region of parallel valleys?"
The White House had no comment. However, Martin Wisdom, president of EA (Enemies of Aliens), told Midnight Sun: "This is the evidence we have been looking for, a warning that Mr. Mead is not human. He is probably a Martian General, a war hero, come here to conquer the Earth with the assistance of the United Nations." -- Ryan Allan, Staff Writer
French Connection Found in Rubble
APR -- New York
Recently released evidence from last year's bombing of the Statue of Liberty supports growing rumors that link the incident with the French terrorist group "Silhouette." Already members of Congress are calling for immediate cessation of diplomatic relations between the United States and France unless the responsible parties are brought to justice.
"Rash accusations will not reverse the damage that has already been done," said UNATCO Director Joseph Manderley. "Both France and the U.S. subscribe to the UNATCO charter and we are committed to the full and ongoing investigation of this horrible crime."
An anonymous e-mail received from an individual purporting to be the Silhouette "Minister of True Lies" denies all responsibility. "For that, you must go to the center of the maze," the e-mail said in part.
U.S. Prez Sells Out
NEW YORK -- President Philip Riley Mead's executive order repaying the United States debt to the United Nations is viewed by many as a positive step towards global peace -- but others sense darker motives at work. Some sources have privately commented that the order is nothing more than a tacit endorsement of a new world government and its private military, the United Nations Anti-Terrorist Coalition (UNATCO).
Few can forget Mead's impassioned declaration that the shattered Statue of Liberty would not be repaired but instead stand as a reminder that "terrorism must be eradicated if we are to be free." It was shortly thereafter that Liberty Island was selected as the location of UNATCO headquarters, their dubious charter highlighted by the mysterious and still largely unexplained circumstances behind the Statue bombing.
No doubt President Mead's words will be remembered, even as he sells out his country to the foreign powers that have sought to destroy it for nearly three centuries. -- Joe Greene, Senior Staff Writer
Mass Grave in Brooklyn
APR - New York
Responding to an outbreak of Gray Death that quickly overwhelmed all city services, National Guard forces were placed under the command of local law enforcement today and mobilized to help with disposal of the recently deceased in Brooklyn.
However, the National Guard soon proved inadequate in containing the chaos and in many cases the dead were simply left lying in streets while the dying -- mostly homeless -- wandered the city until collapsing. Traffic jams and looting remain widespread, and as fear of the disease continues to escalate, frequent riots have made any attempt at an organized clean-up impossible. With the threat of secondary diseases looming, city officials have consulted with the CDC in Atlanta and ordered a mass grave to be dug in Gateway National Park.
Gray Death: Look to the Sky
NEW YORK -- No student of recent history can fail to miss the irony that the greatest enemy mankind has faced in the 21st century was not any despot or dictator, but the lowly microbe. Millions upon millions have been killed by the pandemics of AIDs, resistant tuberculosis, and the Century Flu, and now we face our greatest threat yet: the "Gray Death," a plague of devastating efficiency that has surfaced in the last year.
But was this plague an accident of nature, or a design of science? Dr. Kenji Ishii of the New World Biomedical Health Center in New York thinks not. "My analysis of this plague indicates that it is decidedly unnatural in origin, and in point of fact, may be extraterrestrial." He went on to speculate about those afflicted. "Obviously, a disproportionate number of the indigent seem to be infected, a situation that makes perfect sense if you consider it prelude to an invasion. No more effective way to disrupt the social, political, and military fabric of Earth has yet been devised."
If this is so, then what are our leaders not telling us? And how can we be prepared? Only they know they answers. -- Joe Greene, Senior Staff Writer
Vishnu's Fall
A Brief History of the Indian Crisis
... after the bombing, Indian officials issued a series of stern warnings to Pakistan that were rebuffed with denials of responsibility and dire threats that any attempt to use the bombings as a pretext for military action would be met with force in kind. From the viewpoint of the present-day historiographer this was a crucial event, a game of brinksmanship that had been played between Pakistan and India many, many times before and so, while tragic, it is also easily understood how clear signs of the impending catastrophe might have been ignored.
"Like two kids shoving each other on the playground," said historian Alistair Brooks. "You never expect them to come to blows."
That was before Pakistan began the trials of the "Calcutta 16" and both nations descended into a maelstrom of political upheaval that would eventually culminate in the exchange of nuclear warheads...
